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Excerpt from The Autobiography of God
by William Harwood
In the beginning I created the skies and the land. Then I created night and day. Some time after that I created the sun and the moon, since night and day were a little difficult to maintain without them, to say nothing of the difficulties inherent in having a free floating planet without a star for it to orbit. And there was another reason I needed the sun. I had earlier created vegetation that metabolized carbon dioxide by photosynthesis, so a sun to provide the necessary energy solved an anachronism in that area as well.
Toward the end of the week I created animals, and on the last day I created humans, separately and independently. Since I created the human in my own image, his resemblance to apes and monkeys at the macro level and to all other life forms, plant, animal, bacterial and viral, at the DNA level, was sheer coincidence. I ran out of original ideas, so I gave humans and chimpanzees ninety-eight-point-five percent identical DNA because it was convenient. Scripture does not allow for evolution, and therefore evolution did not occur.
And I did all of that less than six thousand years ago. It’s in the book.
Then along came a bunch of scientists who called Me a liar. They said the universe was not six thousand but fifteen billion years old. They said that, since quasars twelve billion light years away are visible from earth, then self-evidently their light must have been traveling for at least twelve billion years. They said that, since the genes of humans and apes are near identical, then clearly humans and apes must have evolved from a common ancestor. They said that, since some earth rocks can be shown to have solidified more than four billion years ago, then it could not be possible for the earth to have been formless chaos a mere six thousand years before the present.
Of course I fought for Truth. I had the bishop of Oxford ask Thomas Huxley, “Do you claim descent from a monkey on your mother’s side or your father’s side?”
I could kick myself for giving an opponent a straight line like that, especially when I knew Satan was advising him. With the evil one’s prompting, Huxley answered to the effect that, “If I had to choose between being descended from a monkey, which uses its limited intelligence to function as nature intended to the best of its ability, or being descended from someone like you, Bishop, who prostitute your superior intelligence by trying to ridicule scientists who have never done anything but seek the truth, then I have no hesitation in choosing the monkey.”
It was but a temporary setback. My mythologians proceeded to explain how science and scripture could indeed be harmonized. You see, when I created Adam and Eve, what I actually created in my own image was their souls. Their protoplasmic bodies indeed evolved from lower life forms. And then six thousand years ago I created a universe already billions of years old. I did so retroactively, with the light from distant quasars already in transit. In effect, the light from a body ten billion light-years away had already been traveling for ten billion years at the instant of creation. Neat, huh?
Naturally Satan fought back. He had a popular astronomer ask, on a late night talk show, “If the creator of the universe deliberately planted false clues, such as million-year-old fossils, and stars whose light has been traveling longer than the universe has existed, for the sole purpose of deceiving scientists, scholars, and everyone with enough on the ball to recognize that such evidence contradicts fundamentalist religion, then what kind of a god must he be? If the penalty for believing scientific evidence is torture in Hell for billions and billions of years, then the god that would deliberately seduce all but the most scientifically illiterate, ignorant fundamentalists into capital disbelief must really hate us. A deceiver that would do that might be the so-called moral majority’s god. But it certainly isn’t the true majority’s god, be they Christian, Jewish, humanist like myself, or of any other major persuasion.”
I joined in the applause. After all, I may be the evil god he described, but I don’t have to enjoy being evil. If I could burn all bibles and replace them with new scripture in which I am a nice god, I would do so in a minute.
Unfortunately, that I cannot do. It was the ignorant, the insane and the vindictive who created Me in their own image, so I am stuck with Me as I am. Why do you think I murdered 24,000 hostages in retaliation for one Jew’s polluting the chosen nation by marrying an infidel? (Num. 25:9) The answer is that the priest who concocted the tale was the kind of racist who would have done just that if he had been God, so naturally he had Me do so. And when scripture says I did something, I have no option but to go back in time and do it.
Back in the good old days, when all humans were evil and insane by the evolved humanist standards of the distant future, I did not have to be choosy. The learned, such as they were, were as capable of believing in Me as the ignorant. And nobody could reject Me as morally retarded, because there was no morally evolved group (called liberals) with whom to compare Me, as there is today.
Things have changed. Today Me-worship is limited to the ignorant, the mentally dysfunctional, and the moral neanderthals to whom right and wrong are whatever I say they are. That’s why I deliberately planted all that false evidence of a very old universe and the evolution of species. Anyone who is sufficiently rational to recognize that evidence as a falsification of scripture is too rational to be a Me-worshipper, and therefore fully deserves my unreasoned hatred. So why shouldn’t I lure him into the disbelief that will give Me the excuse to torture him with Jesus’ flamethrowers for billions of years? It’s how I get my rocks off, remember?
After all, I am the God of Jesus. Jesus was a sadistic, illiterate, genocidal psychopath, so how could I be otherwise?
I am Jesus’ little lamb. Yes by Jesus Christ I am.
The Chickasaw Plum - Volume V - Number 10 - October 2008
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