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Jesus is Watching You
Late
one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty.
He tiptoed through the
living room but suddenly he froze in his
tracks
when he heard a loud voice say:
"Jesus is watching you."
Silence
returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus
is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The
burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked
all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage
was a
parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who
said Jesus is watching
me?"
"Yes",
said the parrot.
The
burglar breathed a
sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
"What's
your name?"
"Clarence,"
said the bird.
"That's
a dumb name for
a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you
Clarence?"
The
parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
David St. John, 37, was the victim last
week of what police say was a terrible mistake.
The two Hayward police officers used their
batons to hit St. John, who they didn't realize was blind, after mistaking his
collapsible cane for an illegal martial arts weapon, said Lt. Mitchell Penn,
the police department's internal affairs officer.
"It was a very regrettable
incident," Penn said Tuesday. "But from what I've seen so far it's
not a case of overzealous officers. They had no idea he was blind--they were
extremely upset when they found out."
Field training officer Eric Ristram said
The officers thought the man could see
their uniforms so they didn't identify themselves when they told
The
Physical
symptoms: a significant swelling of the cranial membrane.
Cognitive sequellae: include, but not limited to: anti-social
personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic
flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance;
inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to
accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of
misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and
history; megalomaniacal tendencies with pronounced inclinations toward creating
evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical,
all-or-nothing behaviour.
The disease
is widespread, but is endemic to the
With thanks to Anette
Hebebrand at the Medical University of South
Carolina:
Last Wednesday was Groundhog Day. Last Wednesday was
also the State
of the Union Address.
It was an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involved a meaningless ritual in which we looked to a creature
of little intelligence for an accurate prognostication of the future.
The other
involved a groundhog.
Thanks to my
friend of long standing Linda B. Garrett of S.C.
Love
this one. . .
A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event downtown,
hosted by a local liberal arts
college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
SgtMaj for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, SgtMaj, but you seem to be a
very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative ma'am," the Sgt Maj. said, "just serious by
nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The SgtMaj's short reply was, "Yes ma'am, a lot
of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy
yourself."
The SgtMaj just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sgt Maj looked at her and replied,
"1955."
She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little
extreme?"
The Sgt Maj, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice,
"Oh,
I don't know. It's only 2130 now."
Semper Fi.
The
Chickasaw
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