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Just when you have lost faith in human kindness,
someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following
letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the
lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit
to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of
my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone
is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My
roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she
would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her
radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and
she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss
my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
A Touch of the Blarney
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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There once was a religious young Irishwoman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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An Irishman was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're truly beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're really cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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An elderly Irishman walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Irishman: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Irishman: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Irishman: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Irishman: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
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An elderly Irishman goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman, "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
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An elderly Irishman went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
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An Irishwoman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him into the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
The above humor first appeared in “Chuckle of the Week”
The Harvard Square Commentary, August, 2008
The Chickasaw Plum - Volume VI - Number 3 - March 2009
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