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Michelle McMahon is a writer of short
stories, experimental fiction, and poems.
She completed her BA in creative writing at
How I
learned my dad was an alcoholic
By Molly, 9
My first memory is from inside the white
wicker laundry hamper in my parents’ bathroom.
It was five years ago, which means that I was four, my sister, Kelly,
was three and my little brother, Timmy, wasn’t even born yet. My mom was trying to give me a bath, but I
hate baths, so I sneaked out of the bathroom while she was getting a towel from
the hall closet. I ran through her room
with the giant bed with blue quilts on it, through the living room with the big,
flowered couches, and into the kitchen, where my dad was laughing real loud and
drinking beers with his friend.
“Hey there, kiddo,” Dad said. He picked me up and I sat on his lap. He didn’t seem to notice I was naked.
“You have to hide me,” I whispered. “Mom is trying to give me a bath, but I’m not
even dirty. I just had a bath a couple
days ago.” My dad laughed.
“Molly!” my mom screamed from the
bathroom. “Get back in here.”
My dad stood up and put me under his arm so
I could fly on my side like Supergirl. “I have an idea,” he said and shouted, “She
ran up to her room!” towards the bathroom where my mom was. We giggled when we heard Mom’s feet stomp up
the stairs to my room. Then Dad carried
me back towards his bathroom and dropped me into the laundry hamper. “Shhh,” he
whispered as he put a tobacco-stained finger to his smiling lips and closed the
lid. “She’ll find you if you’re not
quiet.”
My mom came back into the bathroom, and I
could see her through the holes in the basket weave of the hamper. She had her hands on her hips and made a mean
face at Dad. “Where is she?” Mom
asked. “She needs a bath, and I’m sick
of being the bad guy.”
“I haven’t seen
her,” Dad said. “Last I heard she was
stomping up to her room.”
“You think this is
funny?” Mom asked. Then they both walked
into their bedroom and I heard the door slam.
They kept talking to each other, but I couldn’t hear what they were
saying. I cozied
down under lots of Dad’s white pocket T-shirts and Mom’s wrinkled skirts. I thought, maybe they’ll forget about me and
I can stay dirty forever under these musty clothes while Mom and Dad yell at
each other. It smelled like the jeans
Dad wore when he rode the lawn mower.
I did have to take
a bath that night, after hiding out in the hamper for a really long time. I took all the clothes and put them on top of
me so not a single strand of my messy hair or my skin was showing. After a while, I thought they really did
forget about me, and that made me sad, so I poked my head out. Dad was standing there with his camera and
took a picture of me. I had my hands
braced on the edge of the hamper because I was taller when I was standing on
all the clothes. My head was holding the
lid open. And that’s what I look like in
the picture of my first memory.
I actually don’t
remember that. I just saw the picture in
a silver metal frame on my dad’s side of the bed. He chuckles every time he looks at it, and he
likes to pick it up and hand it to me and say, “That’s you, silly.” I remembered the rest, or dreamed about it,
or just wanted it to be that way.
My first real
memory is of my dad’s friend Vinny telling me that my
dad drank a lot. Dad works with Vinny at Patterson Chevrolet, which is a place that sells
cars made by Chevy, which are the best cars money can buy, in
“Your dad would be
a fucking millionaire by now if he didn’t drink so much.” That’s what Vinny
said. And he laughed real loud after
saying it. I didn’t know what that
meant. Did he spend all his money on
beers instead of bringing it home to Mom?
“Smart guy, your dad. Smart guy.” He patted me on the head and rustled my
already tangled hair when I passed him his beer. Dad let me pretend to be a waitress and bring
them beers. Sometimes I pretended I was
a flight attendant, like Mom.
“Not for kids.” That was the rule they always told me. Weird, because one time, by the Giacones’ house in the cul-de-sac, we were having a BBQ and
Dad held a beer can to my lips and insisted that I try it. I did, and it tasted like pee. I knew after that not to ever drink it
again. They didn’t even have to tell me.
Dad came back from the bathroom and
gave my head a pat. That’s why I have
matted, messy hair all the time.
Everyone is always patting me on the head. When my mom comes back from her trips, she
usually has to cut knots out of my hair, and then I get bald spots that Jeff on
the school bus makes fun of. One time, I
asked Dad to braid my hair, and he took two pieces and twisted them in a knot
and said, “There you go, kiddo.”
Vinny told me, “Get your
daddy another one.” Vinny
used to hang out at our house a lot, especially the summer his girlfriend
kicked him out of their apartment. When
I asked Dad why she did that, he told me it was because she was a bitch, and I
asked him what that meant, and he said it meant that she was a really mean
woman who screams all the time.
Vinny once slept in my
little brother’s bed, even though I had already set up the guest room for
him. Mom showed me where all the sheets
and towels were in the hall closet so I could set them out for Dad’s friends. And Dad had friends sleep over a lot,
especially when Mom was working. Timmy
tiptoed into my room as I climbed in bed.
He was dragging his stuffed dog Max.
Max only has one eye left and his tail is ratty because Timmy drags him
everywhere. “That man is in my bed,” he
whispered. He smelled like spearmint
toothpaste.
“What?” I turned and saw that his brown eyes looked
wet and scared.
“I went to go
potty, and when I came back to my bed, he was sleeping in it.” His eyes widened even more as he
whispered. “He
smells.”
“Do you want me to
tell him to leave?”
“I already tried,”
Timmy said. “I shook him real hard and
said, ‘Hey, Mister, you’re in the wrong bed’ real loud, but he didn’t move.”
“I think that means
he just had too many beers,” I told him.
“Can I sleep with
you?”
I rolled over and
pulled the covers back so he could climb in.
I had to lift him since my canopy bed was so high and he was so
small. Max took up almost as much space
in my bed as Timmy. Timmy really wanted
a life-sized stuffed dog because Mom and Dad won’t let him get a real one
because Mom’s allergic. Timmy was
wearing his favorite PJ, dark blue cotton shorts and a blue T-shirt with a
white stripe on it. Dad had a matching
one, so that’s why it’s Timmy’s favorite.
My mom said once
that Timmy and I were like twins, except I was older and a girl. I looked at him and thought he did kind of
look like me in the pictures from when I was three. His golden brown hair and freckled cheeks
matched mine. But I had longer hair when
I was three. Timmy definitely looks a
lot more like me than Kelly. Her hair is
blonde, like Mom’s. And she has short
bangs and big, pink-framed glasses.
I don’t know why my
dad couldn’t be a millionaire just because he drank so much beer. But Vinny told me
several times that my dad would be a “fucking” millionaire if he didn’t drink
so much. I’m allowed to say bad words,
like “fuck” and “shit,” if someone else says them, like Jeff on the school bus
when he is mean to me, and I’m telling Mom or Dad the story about it.
I never knew my dad
was an alcoholic, which meant that he drank too many beers and did bad things
to the family, until my mom told us to pack our favorite toys for a trip to
visit my grandpa, who lives in
When we got to my
grandpa’s house, my mom took us to visit the school, signed us up, and told us
we would never see our dad again because he was an alcoholic. And that’s when she told us what being an
alcoholic means. I knew that Mom and Dad
had fights and yelled at each other a lot, but then they always made up and
snuggled and kissed after Dad made Mom laugh or brought her flowers. I thought that my mom was just having a bad ’tude, which means that someone is in a bad mood after a
fight. But she told us that she wasn’t
just having a bad ’tude; she was serious.
I didn’t know that
my dad’s drinking beers was so bad. But
I started to think about things, like how my sister and I were always the only
kids at the bar. My dad used to bring us
some nights when Mom was working and he was in charge. One time, Kelly told him that a police
officer came to their classroom and talked about strangers, cigarettes, drugs
and alcohol. She said that the
policeman told them that drinking and driving was bad and they should tell
their parents not to do it. Dad laughed,
and then he pulled the car out of Roadhouse Bar’s parking lot. Kelly and I both loved the Roadhouse. There were two arcade games with steering
wheels. For a quarter each, we could
race fast cars around a track forever.
And Dad’s friend Scott worked at the bar. He looked just like my half-brother, who I
only see every other summer. He’s my
half-brother because we have the same dad, but not the same mom. Dad used to be married before, but then he
met Mom and loved her more, so he married her instead. Scott and my half-brother are both tall and
have dirty blonde hair, dark blue eyes, and red faces. Scott always gave Kelly and me cherries from
the plastic box by the bar and poured us Cokes in fancy glasses.
One time, Kelly and
I were watching TV in her room and my dad came upstairs. Kelly has a TV in her room because she got it
as a present after she had her tonsils out and she had to spend lots of time in
bed. We like to sit on beanbags on her
floor and watch TV with the lights out and pretend we are having a slumber
party, but then I go sleep in my own room when I get tired. Dad smelled like cigarette smoke, which he always
does, and told us he was going to the liquor store to buy some more beers. I could hear people laughing downstairs. We had a BBQ in the backyard earlier that
night, but Kelly and I were already in our pajamas, giant T-shirts from Sea
World. Mine had a penguin on it and the
word “COOL” spelled out in ice letters across the back. Kelly freaked out and started crying.
“Don’t go,” she
cried. Dad kissed her on the head and
said she could go with him.
“You’re not
supposed to drink and drive!” Kelly came
home from school the week before with a keychain and gave it to Dad. It had a picture of a beer bottle with a red
circle and a slash through it, like a “No Smoking” sign, but for beer.
“He’s not gonna drink in the car,” I giggled.
Kelly kept crying
until Dad picked her up and hugged her tight.
She wrapped her skinny, bare legs around his waist and nestled into his
shirt, getting her snots on the pocket where he kept his Camel cigarettes and a
light blue Bic lighter. She always acts like a baby, even though
she’s just a year younger than me, which means she was six when this happened.
“You wanna come, too?” Dad asked me.
“Sure.” I turned off the TV and ran to my room to get
my jellies. If Mom was home, she would
have made me put shorts on, but she wasn’t, so I didn’t have to. But I did have underwear on, so I wasn’t
being gross.
We rode to the
liquor store with the top down, bouncing around to The Who in the backseat of
Dad’s 1989 Camaro convertible. Dad didn’t make us wear seatbelts, and he
always took the top down, even at night.
Vinny sat in the passenger seat screaming,
“Tommy, can you hear me?” Kelly and I
giggled when the wind blew our hair around.
Dad flicked his cigarette from the side of the car, and it made orange
sparks in the sky. Then bright red and
blue lights swirled behind us.
My dad pulled over
without looking back and said, “fuck” under his
breath. Kelly and I knew something was
wrong and sat back in our seats with our hands in our laps like good
girls. Dad had to try to walk a straight
line and breathe into a tube before he kissed us goodnight and got into a
police car. Vinny
drove us home in my dad’s car after stopping at the liquor store. We dipped our fingers in the big bucket of
water people use to cool wine bottles.
Kelly licked hers afterwards, but I thought that was gross.
When we got back to
the house and Vinny parked Dad’s Camaro
in the driveway, he turned to us in the backseat and said, “Don’t worry about
your dad. He’ll be home in the
morning.” Then he patted us each on the
head and told us to go upstairs, brush our teeth and go to bed. As Kelly and I walked towards the house, Vinny took two boxes of beers from the car to the backyard,
where Dad’s friends were still talking and smoking cigarettes.
The next time my
dad got pulled over by the police was one night about six months ago on the way
home from Roadhouse. Mom was on a trip,
so Dad was in charge that week. Kelly
and I were sitting in the back on either side of Timmy, who was sleeping in his
car seat. Timmy had Max in his lap so he
was facing forward like he was a real dog looking out the windshield. Dad got into one police car and Kelly, Timmy
and I had to get into another one, and the policeman drove us to the Giacones’ house.
While we were driving there, he asked us questions like, “Does your
daddy drive a lot after drinking alcohol?”
Kelly opened her
mouth, probably to say something stupid, but I pinched her leg and said, “No,
sir. He doesn’t.” Kelly looked at me with wide eyes. “He’s a really nice dad.”
The policeman
laughed and said, “I’m sure he is.”
Then Kelly told him
what she learned in school about drinking and driving.
When the policeman
dropped us off at the Giacones’ house, Mrs. Giacone was already standing at the door in her pink,
fluffy robe. Her face was red from
crying and she gave me a big hug, smushing her giant
boobs in my face. Then she took us
upstairs to sleep in the guest bedroom.
Mrs. Giacone asked me if I was all right, and
I didn’t know what should be wrong with me.
My mom came back
early from her trip the next morning and rang the doorbell at the Giacones’ house while we were all eating Lucky Charms at
the kitchen table. She was wearing her
flight attendant uniform, a dark blue skirt and a white blouse with her name
pin on it. She gave us all big hugs and
took us back to our house across the street.
When I asked Mom where Dad was, she said he was at work. I thought it was too early for him to be at
work, but I didn’t ask any more questions because Mom was acting like she might
scream or cry if I wasn’t quiet. And
that’s when she told us to pack our favorite toys to go visit Grandpa. I don’t really like visiting Grandpa because
he doesn’t talk a lot, and you have to yell at him if you want him to hear you,
and he smells like dust. But he
sometimes gives me lollipops and quarters, so he’s nice.
After we got to
Grandpa’s house and Mom told us all about Dad being an alcoholic and said we
were going to live with Grandpa for a while, she told us that she was going to
divorce Dad, so I told her that I wanted to go back and live with him
instead. My friend Susan’s parents got a
divorce and I remembered that she got to pick which parent she wanted to live
with, and I wanted to live with Dad.
“I pick Dad,” I said. I was standing at the foot of the staircase
in Grandpa’s house with my Hello Kitty matching suitcase and duffel bag. Mom just stared at me.
“You can’t pick
Dad. Go unpack your bags, silly.” She was sitting on the couch in the living
room reading a book called Marriage On The Rocks:
Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic. Grandpa was snoring in the rocking chair by
the TV.
“I’m serious, Mom. You’re supposed to let us pick!” This made her put the book down.
“Your dad is sick.”
“I don’t care,” I
said and tried not to cry.
“Okay. You want to live with your dad?” She got up from the couch and walked towards
me. She picked up my duffle bag and
carried it through the open door to the patio.
“Let’s go. I’ll take you now.”
“You will?” I wiped some snots
on my arm and dragged my suitcase.
Kelly was standing
at the top of the staircase now with a pillow and her stuffed Miss Piggy. “I want to go, too!” Kelly screamed, running down the stairs.
“Okay. Come on.”
Mom waved us out of the house.
Kelly and I marched behind her.
Kelly put on her pink My Little Pony sneakers at the door, each on the
wrong foot.
We passed Timmy, sitting in the yard
with a plastic hammer and a bundle of twigs he pulled off a shrub. He stood, picked up Max, who was sitting next
to him in the grass, and followed us.
“Where are we going?” he asked,
holding a pile of twigs in one hand and Max in the other.
Mom turned towards us with the car
door propped open. “Your sisters want to
go live with their dad. Do you want to
go, too?”
Timmy shook his head. His shirt, which had a picture of Superman
flying over a train, was dirty.
I tried to get my suitcase in the
back seat, but it was too heavy with Barbie dolls, purple T-shirts, and my
Mexican blanket. I looked to Mom to
help, but she just stared at me. I
looked back at Kelly and Timmy. They
were standing like they were frozen at the edge of the driveway.
“You really want to do this?”
“Yes,” I whispered, thinking I might
have hurt her feelings.
“And you, too?” She looked back at Kelly, hanging out of her
sneakers, holding on to her pig and pillow.
“I don’t know.” Kelly looked over to Timmy.
Mom sat on the back seat of the car,
hanging her legs out the open door. She
held her face in her hands. I couldn’t
tell if she was laughing or crying. I
could see little bits of brown at the roots of her hair, where it turned
blonde.
“I’m staying.” Timmy ran to the car and stood at the door,
waiting for Mom to lift her head.
“I’ll stay, too.” Kelly dropped her pillow and Miss Piggy on
the driveway and ran behind Timmy.
Mom pulled Timmy and Kelly into her,
hugging them tight, crying really hard into their heads. I stood still and thought about what to
do. I decided to stay with Mom because I
figured I’d probably end up with her anyway, and I didn’t want her to be mad at
me forever.
“I’ll stay, too, Mom,” I mumbled.
She didn’t say anything, just
reached her arm out to add me to the bunch.
Timmy crowded in closest to her; then Kelly and me. We hugged tight for a long time, and then I
walked back into the house to unpack my bags.
I started third grade at my new
school three days later, and it wasn’t even that bad. There were two other new kids in my
class. One was a boy named Howard who
wore khaki shorts and a green T-shirt with a spaceship on it. The other was a girl named Stephanie with
brown pigtails and a checkered pink and white skirt. I had on a new pair of purple leggings and my
favorite yellow Pippi Longstocking
shirt. I came home from school to my
grandpa’s house excited to tell Mom about the fieldtrip we would be taking the
next week to an apple farm. From the
hallway by the kitchen, I could see a man with brown, curly hair and glasses
sitting in a chair in the living room.
He looked older than Dad, but younger than Grandpa. Mom was on the couch with her legs crossed,
and Timmy was playing with some trucks on the carpet. Mom smiled funny at me. She had been crying. Her nose and cheeks were pink and her eyes
were shiny.
“Hello,” the man said. “You must be Molly.”
“Who are you?” I asked, holding my
backpack tightly in case I had to make a run for it. Should I run back out and warn Kelly not to
come in the house? She stopped on the
walk home to pick some daisies, which I suspected were growing in a bed of
poison ivy, but she didn’t care.
“I’m Dr. Green,” he said. The only part of him that moved, other than
his tiny mouth, was his right hand. It
was coming out of a white shirt, which was tucked into khaki slacks. He smiled, but I was still suspicious that he
might be taking me and Kelly and Timmy somewhere, most likely to ask us
questions. I hate questions.
“Sit down, honey,” Mom said. “Dr. Green wants to ask you guys some
questions.” She didn’t move either. Why was everyone so still? Except Timmy. He was pushing his trucks around in circles,
slamming them into each other with loud crashes and beeps, dumping Legos out and scooping them up again. “Where’s your sister?”
“She’s coming.” I looked outside, still wondering whether I
should make a run for it.
“Sit down, Molly.” Dr. Green pointed at the couch, then to the
chair across the coffee table. “Wherever you like.”
I decided to stay and took off my
backpack in the hall. Kelly skipped in
from the sunshine with a handful of weeds.
“I made a friend today!” she shouted
into the house, her pink-framed glasses were crooked on her nose. She smiled at me and then ran to the kitchen
looking for Mom.
“She’s in the living room,” I said
and pulled Kelly by the arm. “With some guy. We
have to talk to him.”
“Hi.” Kelly looked directly at Dr. Green. “I’m Kelly.”
“I’m Dr. Green.”
I led my sister to the chair,
leaving my mom on the couch alone, and squeezed Kelly into the chair with
me. She shimmied in between the armrest
and my hip and smiled, showing a gap between her front teeth.
“Beep, beep,
beep!” Timmy led two trucks
together in a giant CRASH. Mom jumped a
bit on the couch. Kelly laughed.
Dr. Green asked Mom, “Do you think
you might want to leave the room with him so I can speak to the girls alone?”
“No.
We’ll stay. This is important for the whole family.”
He said my name again: “Molly.” Mom and Dad never really say my name, unless
they’re mad. They always call me honey,
or sweetie, or silly. It bothered me to
hear my real name, especially from him.
“I’m here to talk about your dad with you and your sister.” Kelly and I nodded. “Do you know why we need to talk about your
dad?”
“Because he’s an
al-co-colic!” Kelly shouted it
like it was a fact, like how he had reddish brown hair, or that his face always
turned red when he laughed, or that you could hear when he woke up in the
morning because he coughed twice right before he got out of bed to pee. I loved it when he coughed twice because then
I knew he was awake and he would come get me so we could eat cereal together
and watch Bugs Bunny cartoons before school.
“Yes, that’s right, Kelly.” He raised his right hand like a robot, then picked up a pad of paper and a pen from the coffee
table. “Because he is
an alcoholic.”
“It’s not bad,” I added.
“No?” he asked, as if I was wrong.
“I miss him,” I said.
“Me, too,” Kelly said.
“Well, it is bad,” said Dr.
Green. “One of the reasons it’s bad is
because he brought all kinds of men, other men who drink a lot, around the
house.”
“They’re nice,” I told him.
“One of them got in my bed, and he
smelled.” Timmy didn’t look up from his
trucks. He had already told Dr. Green
the story.
“Did one of them ever get in one of
your beds?” He looked at Kelly and me.
We looked at each other, sensing
something strange. “No,” I said.
“Did any of those men touch you in
places you didn’t want to be touched?”
“In my boobies and
vagina?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “Did any of them touch you there?”
“Who?” I
asked.
“Your dad’s friends.”
“No,” I said.
“Then why did you tell me about
those places?” He thought he was on to
something.
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe you’re trying to hide
something from me because you feel guilty, like it’s your fault.”
“No,” I said. “I’m not trying to hide anything.” Everyone was staring at me.
“You can tell Dr. Green,” Mom
said. “He’s here to help us.”
“Molly,” he said. “Did your father’s friends molest you?” Dr. Green poised his pen.
“No!” I shouted. “That’s gross!” I remembered a book my mom once gave me
called Don’t Touch My Privates and that word: molest. The book told me that if someone tries to
touch the parts covered by my bathing suit—that means my boobies and vagina—I
should shout, “No!” and run to find a policeman. I learned that strangers try to get you to go
in their cars by telling you they have candy and puppies, but they really want
to molest you. That means they want to
touch your privates. If anyone tells me
they have candy or puppies in their car, I will grab the candy or the puppy and
run away real fast. But no one ever
tried to molest me.
“No!” Kelly shouted. I knew that she didn’t even know what molest
meant.
“No!” shouted Timmy, raising a truck
in the air, laughing. Kelly and Timmy
just like to copy me because I’m their big sister, so sometimes they just say
whatever I say.
“One of them got in Timmy’s bed!”
Mom stood. She was about to cry. Dr. Green touched her leg and she sat back
down and took a tissue from the box on the table.
“Sometimes we repress these memories
because they hurt, because we don’t want to think about them. Your mother is worried that some, or at least
one, of these men maybe touched you in ways that are not allowed.” He stared at Kelly and then me. “Tell me the truth. Did any of those men, your dad’s friends,
ever touch you in a way that made you uncomfortable?”
“Yes!” Kelly shouted.
Dr. Green looked shocked and Mom
started to bawl.
“No!” I turned to Kelly. “Why did you say that?”
“I don’t know,” Kelly giggled. “That guy wanted me to.”
“Kelly, tell him the truth,” Mom
managed between sobs.
“Is it true, Kelly?” Dr. Green
waited.
Kelly stopped
giggling and looked around the room at each of us. “No,” she said. “No one touched me.”
We all had to talk for a long
time. Everyone ended up crying because
Mom was crying so much. Dr. Green even
looked like he wanted to cry when Timmy started shouting that he wanted to go
home and see Dad.
Two weeks into the school year,
after the apple orchard fieldtrip, but before I started to pick out my
Halloween costume, just after I’d scheduled my first weekend play date with a
girl named Gina in my class who also liked Pippi Longstocking, Kelly and I came home to Grandpa’s house to
find Mom and Dad sitting at the kitchen table.
There was a bouquet of white daisies, Mom’s favorite flowers, on the
table, and Dad was holding her hands across the table. I could tell that Mom had been crying because
her eyes were red and puffy, but she smiled like she was happy when she saw
us. Dad told us that he was going to
start meetings with AA, who are the people who help you when the car gets a
flat tire, and he told us it’s for alcoholics, too. And we were all moving back home.
After we’d been back
home for a few days, Dad tucked me into my bed.
He read me a chapter from Matilda, which he has read to me five
times already because it’s my favorite book, and he even did the funny
voices. Then he kissed me on the
forehead and he smelled like cigarettes, which I like because it smells like
him. He said, “Goodnight, honey,” but he
didn’t leave. I had my eyes closed, but
I could feel him standing next to my bed after he turned off the light. And I could hear him breathing, so I opened
my eyes. Then he asked me if something
was going on between Mom and that therapist guy. I think he meant, were they doing sex
together, but I didn’t want to ask him if that’s what he meant.
“No,” I said.
I had lots of things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to say that I defended him to Mom and
Dr. Green, and that I wanted to live with him instead of her. I wanted to tell him that I tried to leave
her like she left him. But instead I
just said, “No.” And then Dad kissed me
on the cheek and said he loved me, and then I said I loved him, too.
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